A funny thing called grief

Grief is a funny thing. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it, grabs a hold of you and shakes you until your world is upside down. The sky feels like it is the ground, the ground feels like the sky and your boyfriend is left wondering why you snapped at him about a cherry Icee (white cherry-what is that?!).

When this happens, it is a force that has to be acknowledged because if it is ignored it will pull you down and take residence in your head and heart. After the anniversary of my father's passing, it hit me harder than prior to the actual anniversary itself. You would think his birthday, father's day or my niece's kindergarten graduation would have hit me harder (they were all in the two weeks leading up to the anniversary) than a random Wednesday. Like I said, it's a funny thing. There is no rhyme or reason. I was hit hard. At the movie theater. Over an Icee. At a screening of Batman (the original). Normal.  Of course, my baconator didn't know what was going on at first but soon realized and supported me through what became a very difficult week.

Everyone deals with things differently. When I feel the sting of losing my dad and am confronted with the reality that life can literally change in an instant (as it did) I feel the need to control things. Well, hellooooo (as Cher would say). That is not possible; sure, for awhile you can fool yourself into thinking you have control. And drive everyone else around you crazy. And try to plan things out in advance and imagine scenarios and how it will work out. But, truth be told, we know deep down life doesn't let you plan for it. Not a dress rehearsal. It's the real deal. I read something that resonated with me. Someone was on vacation in a beautiful location and vowed that they would some day return. Her friend that traveled with her had to be persuasive and convince her that she was already there. And she was there, in that beautiful spot, but too caught up in the idea of returning in the future and experiencing it again rather than experiencing it in the present. I'm guilty of doing that as recently as last week. I wish I had read that before my trip but I think the friend had it right. Rather than wishing to experience something again that we are currently enjoying, stop and enjoy it that moment. All we have is now. I can try to plan what will happen in the future and paint in my mind what that will look like but the reality will be a very different picture than what I drew in my mind. And not because I can only draw stick figures. No, it will be different because thing rarely work out as we imagine. There are too many variables. And that's ok. Life is not meant to be lived in the future. It's supposed to be lived now. So my goal is to work on living in this moment, not trying to control the future and experiencing the joy in each moment rather than wishing to experience something again. Nursing school, law school, (or neither of those), relationships, work etc will take care of itself. Otherwise, I will miss all the moments leading up to the future. Like my boyfriend knocking on my door with a large cherry Icee a week later after Batman (real cherry-not white). Those little moments will add up to the tapestry that is our relationship.  Try enjoying each moment; rather than attempting to create them too far in advance. You will be pleasantly surprised. Here's to the next moments!